Traveler Farlander (twfarlan) wrote,
Traveler Farlander

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Ryori no tetsujin meets the Merry Marvel Marching Band.

Blame Ali for this one.

For a moment, imagine you are watching Iron Chef. Now, imagine that you're watching it in a dimension numbered "616." That's right: Iron Chef Marvel!

Your competitors? In the blue, he is arguably the greatest scientific genius in the world. There is no mystery he cannot unravel (aside from the female mind), no challenge he will not meet with deep consideration. Willing to sacrifice anything in pursuit of knowledge (including his friends' safety, apparently), he is Reed Richards.

In the green, he is the master of his cultural cuisine (and indeed the whole culture whether they like it or not), acknowledged interdisciplinary genius (fail to acknowledge at your peril), and honestly the only Iron Chef with an iron face, he is Victor von Doom.

Both competitors bring their deep mastery of chemistry to the science of cooking along with enough creativity to cause holes in space and time... literally.

Presenting your battle is a duo: Uatu the Watcher (who better to observe without interfering) and Alton Brown [1] (the ultimate scientific chef). Your chairman, an agile, athletic man of mystery with unmatched discrimination in all things taste and smell: Daredevil. [2]

The secret ingredient is a staple of the competition, and especially when you have two mental titans like these two in Kitchen Stadium. What could be more fitting than the chosen ingredient for this battle: Radiation!

Reed would spend the first thirty minutes creating equipment that would shave thirty minutes off his cooking time. Meanwhile, since he would have disassembled the oven, Sue would be using force fields for cooking equipment, broiling things over Johnny's hands. Ben? Ben would be crushing ingredients for the signature dessert of microwaved Rocky Road ice cream.

Doom? Doom's entire menu would consist of Latverian dishes. His entire kitchen staff would be comprised of Doombots, interchanging enough that only Uatu could tell who was the true Victor von Doom, and he wasn't telling.

The judges would have to include:
Emma Frost, former White Queen of the Hellfire Club. Socialite and sophisticate, who better to critique and comment on the sinful delights of fine dining? [3]
Galactus, the ultimate food critic. The ultimate traveller, he has sampled the cuisines of whole worlds... at once.
And finally, Spider-Man, because every Iron Chef panel has to include one wiseacre whose background has exactly nothing to do with food or culture. [4]

Unfortunately, the world would never know the winner of this battle for several reasons. For one, the Daily Bugle pulled their sponsorship when Spider-Man was announced as a judge. (Something from the publisher about refusing to endorse events including criminals, public menaces, and also Victor von Doom.) Daredevil, the Man Without Fear, wasn't concerned about this, but the producers at the Food Network weren't made of such strong material. There was a deal in place to pick up a new sponsor: Weapon X brand kitchen cutlery [5], but they had to scrap the whole thing after the competitors started a food fight rated on the megaton scale. Took them several months to pick back up after Kitchen Coliseum turned into Kitchen Crater.

[1] Honestly, a cooking event this nerdy without Alton Brown? Inconceivable. Besides, can you think of anyone else who'd have a chance of keeping up with culinary chemistry as applied by Doctor Doom or Mr. Fantastic?

[2] I considered several possibilities for the Chairman. Prince Namor of Atlantis certainly could bring the mystery and majestic presence, but he would have quit when the secret ingredient was anything not available from the bounty of the sea. Tony Stark was a possibility, but his AA sponsor talked him out of being around the cooking sherry. I could have picked Doctor Strange, but his clothes already reminded me enough of Chairman Koga's outfit. Besides, I couldn't use Matt Murdock as a judge; how would he award points on plating?

[3] Mephisto was unavailble due to a full schedule as divorce attorney to the superstars.

[4] I thought about including Jean Grey, but I figured she'd be leery of coming back to judge a second time after dying of food poisoning the last time she was on a panel with Emma Frost. Jean came back, of course, but who wants to die of food poisoning twice?

[5] Their ad campaign: "If your kitchen knives can't cut through a tank yet remain sharp enough to slice a tomato, then your cutlery isn't the best at what it does, bub."
Tags: iron chef, marvel, parody
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