Log in

No account? Create an account
05 November 2007 @ 11:07 am
I feel dirty having written this.  
The sad part is, I can see this being drawn as a comic book. If the Hulk can sell Hostess fruit pies, after all...

We find our hero, BusinessMan, Captain of Super-Industry, bound by red tape, sitting atop a pile of junk bonds, at the mercy of a fiend hidden in the shadows.

Fiend: "Muahahahaha, BusinessMan! Not even your amazing ability to forecast market trends could have prepared you for my evil genius!"
BM: "Laugh like you're reading a nationalized health care bill all you like, currently non-branded fiend! I have already summoned my partner in profit, Law-Yar, corporate raider! And as soon as the check for my retainer clears his bank, he'll have this red tape cut faster than I can say 'congressional bribery!'"
Fiend: "It won't matter, you crass Mammonist! Even Law-Yar cannot outmaneuver the mad brilliance that is... Doctor Selfish!"
BM: "Gasp! The Horrible Hoarder himself!"
Selfish: "Correct, you dollar-licking swine!"
BM: "Actually, the euro is outperforming the dollar at the moment, so you see..."
Selfish: "Silence, prattling font of boredom! Now is the time when I go against my name just long enough to share with you my evil plan!"

Selfish steps to a conveniently-set up lamp so he can be backlit as he delivers his monologue.

Selfish: "Laughed at me, all those fools, how they LAUGHED at me! well, I'll show them! I'll show them ALL! Doctor Selfish is the greatest scientist the world will NEVER KNOW! Watch, as I cure cancer!"

Selfish steps around to reveal a desk, tilts the desk lamp of convenience, settles himself into an office chair, and begins rubbing the temples of his forehead.

Selfish: "Wait for it... wait for it... ohh, yes, I can ... and then you splice the... yes... yeeessssss... polynucleo... with a melon... THERE! MUAHAAHAHAHAHAH! I have just cured cancer! And now, phase two of my nefarious scheme is..."

A reaction shot of BM as he strains against the red tape to reach for a memo recorder.

Selfish: "I keep it to myself!"

BM: "No! You fiend! Why, a cure for cancer would be worth billions! Not worth as much as a long-term maintenance program where you can keep charging people rather than actually curing them, of course, but think of the children! Think of the people! Think of the people who think of children! AND ALL THEIR MONEY!!!"
Selfish: "Now you see the daring villainy afoot! I will never share the cure for cancer, or the solar-powered desalination system that would resolve the world water crisis, or the ozone layer replacement I came up with last week, or even the McGuffin Immortality Serum I devised during that cruise to Aruba two months ago! And the best part is that no one can make me! It's my own intellectual property that I don't have to share, sell, or give away to anyone! Tremble with despair, oh pitiful world, for I have only begun to solve your problems and not tell you! It's mine, all mine, and all because I'm a Libertarian!"

BM suddenly breaks the bonds of red tape, standing triumphantly, posed like he's ready for a staged FEMA press conference.

BM: "Ah ha! I knew you'd reveal your twisted plot if I just let you brag long enough, just like every other feckless armchair savior from the Internet!"
Selfish: "What!? How did you break through my impenetrable Congressional red tape!?"
BM: "I was never bound by it! Silly scientist, BusinessMan cannot be held back by mere nationalism or laws! That you thought I could be is the second piece of proof I needed that your plan is all lies!"
Selfish: "What? What do you mean, 'second piece?'"
BM: "The first and most important piece of the puzzle was revealed when you claimed to be a Libertarian! At that moment, I knew you were lying, lying like a Congressman caught with his hand under a bathroom stall! For you see, no true Libertarian would keep these things to himself no matter what was offered! For a true Libertarian, EVERYTHING has a price!"

As BusinessMan walks across a runway to board his Private Jet of Justice, dragging Doctor Selfish behind him with his hands bound together with the Money Clip of Ultimate Holding, we hear Doctor Selfish say, "Curse you, BusinessMan! Curse you and your Western Capitalism!"
Current Mood: ashamed, but it's out of my head
Sorciasorcia on November 6th, 2007 01:44 am (UTC)
You had me at "Law-Yar"...
Traveler Farlandertwfarlan on November 6th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
Heh, liked that, did you? Felt like a He-Man reference, like when Robot Chicken did "Mo-Lar, Eternian Dentist."
Noah Singman: Noah and Conniensingman on November 6th, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
No surprise that BM doesn't understand libertarians. They seldom do. :-)